Lost in Transformation
I’ve been thinking about my life rather often of late and what I have come to realise is that I don’t know what to think anymore.
I have a job where I am relatively happy and that pays fairly well, considering. I have a loving mother and beautiful animals. I have a handful of really good friends and a few acquaintances. I have a brilliant and giving brother and a semi-involved father. I am intelligent, funny (at times) and most people seem to like me.
What I am not is what bothers me. What I have not accomplished bothers me.
According to society I should be very successful. I should be designing huge mansions. I should be earning 10k plus. I should have a car and go out partying as often as I can. I should be ambitious and value my job above everything else in my life. I should be doing something about my weight, actively. I should be motivated and be busy on weekends. I should stop drinking and smoking and live every day like it’s my last. I should want to be someone in life, make my mark, be the best I can be.
I’m not.
This shouldn’t bother me but for some reason it does. If you look at things differently, none of this bullshit matters. There are so many people on this earth yet every single one of us thinks we’re all important. Nothing really matters in life except fundamental stuff like love, happiness, joy, peace. In my mind, what matters is that I am happy NOW. I am alive NOW and this is what makes the present so important – so enjoy it while it’s here. Right? Wrong! I should be working my ass off preparing for a future I might not have. I should spend all hours of my waking life being “busy”. People don’t care what you’re “busy” with, as long as you’re not sitting on your ass watching tv.
Fuckit. I just don’t know anymore.
I feel so fucking inadequate but the best part of all this is that I’m so useless that, most days, I just don’t give a fuck. It’s too much of a mission for me to get off my ass and DO something. I could exercise, but it’s hard work. I could stop drinking so much, but I like being buzzed before I head off to bed. I could quit smoking but it’s too hard. I could stop procrastinating but I just don’t feel like it.
I could do so much, but I don’t.
Even my father thinks I’m useless. Last night he told me “You’re going nowhere in life”. A friend told me I am wasting my life. My manager wants me to live up to my “potential”.
Does it really matter what I look like or what I do with my life? Granted, I’ll be happier if I lose the weight I have picked up in the last three years. Granted, I’ll be happier if I could earn just a little bit more money. Granted, I’ll keep everyone off my case if I conform to society and “be all I can be”. But fuck, man. Does it all really matter?
Does it really?
In the greater scheme of things, it doesn’t. Not really.
